How to Survive the Holidays After Losing a Loved One

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, birthdays… the holidays are such a fun and exciting part of the year- except when they aren’t. One of the biggest reasons many people dread the holidays instead of look forward to them is because they are celebrating without a loved one.

A little over a year ago, my mom passed away after a 6 year battle with ALS. She passed away two weeks after Bassam and I got married and the day after my birthday. Even during those initial devastating weeks, I already started thinking about how horrible the holidays were going to be. My mom loved holidays and celebrations; she was always such a happy and positive person. I didn’t know how we were supposed to be happy without her.

Even though we had several months until the first holiday, it was pretty terrible. We got through the first year of holidays, but not super successfully. Bassam and I fought on almost every holiday and I canceled my birthday party because I just couldn’t bear the thought of celebrating. {I LOVE birthdays, so anyone who knows me knows this is a big deal}. We are now on our second year of holidays without my mom and, honestly, the pain isn’t any more bearable. However, I do have a few strategies from my experiences that first horrible year. Although these tips will not take away any of the hurt or lessen your pain, I hope they will help you and me enjoy the holidays just a bit.

1. Do something in memory of your loved one

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight” ~Khalil Gibran

What I’ve come to learn is that my relationship with my mom can still exist- just in a different way. Although we can’t make memories or celebrate in the traditional sense, doing something in her memory is a way I can recreate that feeling just a bit. Think of something that makes you feel close to your loved one and do it in honor of them. I’ll give you a few examples.

Mom’s birthday: I ordered a few cups of her favorite coffee drink and asked the barista to write “Happy Birthday” on them. Then, I passed them around to people who I thought could use a coffee pick-me-up.  I also decorated my apartment with my mom’s favorite color flowers in teapots {she used to collect teapots}.

Mother’s Day: My family and I watched my mom’s favorite movie and made the dessert we used to make for her on Mother’s Day before she had ALS.

New Years: This was one of the hardest holidays because it was my mom’s favorite. Since my mom couldn’t dance soon after her diagnosis, we celebrated with a theme so that we could keep it fun. We didn’t plan a theme for our first New Year’s without my mom, but we were still dreading celebrating all day. At the last minute, we decided to do a pajama party theme in her honor.

My birthday: I completely skipped my birthday last year because I just couldn’t do it. This year, I will go for a long walk {I always used to do that with my mom} and then dance to her favorite songs.

2. Don’t force yourself to be happy

I love this quote from John Green, “when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It’s real because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean it won’t end, it won’t get better. Because it will”

I remember crying so much when I saw the movie Inside Out. I had been trying to so hard to keep a positive attitude and a happy face. That movie made me realize that sometimes it’s okay to be sad. Sometimes you need that. Let yourself feel however you feel. Even though the holidays are supposed to be a happy and festive time, it’s okay if you don’t feel that way. Feel however you feel. The only way to get through something is to actually go through it.

3. Do happy things

“Happiness is a journey, not a destination” ~Ben Sweetland

Often times when I’m sad, I just want to dwell on it. I want to listen to sad songs and wallow in my misery. It’s okay to feel sad and to accept your sadness for however long you feel is appropriate, but also try your best to surround yourself by happy things. Listen to happy songs, read inspiration quotes, do things you love. It just might make you feel a bit better. Even if it doesn’t, that’s okay.

4. Give yourself some time to be alone

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim” ~Vicki Harrison

I don’t suggest spending the whole day alone, no matter how tempting that may be. It can be helpful to have a support system and people who can help distract you from your pain. However, I do regret that I didn’t spend at least some time on my own during the past holidays. Something I am planning to do this year is to take an hour to reflect on my feelings, my relationship with my mom, and my hopes for the future. I will probably take a walk and maybe even write her a letter if I feel up to it.

5. Communicate what you need

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” ~Helen Keller

As I mentioned previously, Bassam and I fought during every holiday that first year. What I’ve realized is that I need to communicate with Bassam what I need from him and not expect him to read my mind. I also need to communicate how I feel. During previous holidays, I did my best to act like I wasn’t upset, but I expected Bassam to know. When the smallest thing happened, it made me so upset.

6. Keep old traditions OR start new ones

“The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just made the best of everything they have” ~Unknown

This is a such an personal decision. For many people, keeping old traditions can be very soothing. For others, starting new ones may be less painful. Decide what will make you feel best. Even if initially keeping an old tradition seems like it might be too hard, it might help make things feel a little bit “normal” and help you feel a connection to your loved one. Sometimes doing something really different, like going away on a trip, might feel best. Experiment with both and see what works for you.

For me, a combination makes more sense. I used to plan a Valentines Day tea party for all of the women in my family. Keeping that tradition made me feel better. For New Years, what would make me feel better is to get away and take a trip. Maybe one day when we have kids I will feel differently, but right now, there’s just no joy for me in celebrating that holiday the same way we used to.

7. Get them a gift

“When someone you loves becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure”

~Unknown

I used to love getting my mom gifts that I knew she would love. It was so hard for me every time I walked into a store and saw something I knew would make her happy, so I started buying them for myself. The days before Mother’s Day, I actually went to her favorite store and bought an outfit I knew she would love. I told the sales clerk it was for my mom, even though it was for myself. It sounds delusional now that I type it out, but it made me feel the teeniest bit better. Something else I’ve done is donate to the ALS Association as a gift to her.

8. Plan something to look forward to

“Grief is a game of feeling the weakest you’ve ever felt and morphing it into the strongest person you will have to become” ~Windgate Lane

I’ve started dreading the holidays and this has been really sad to me because I used to love them. What I’ve decided to do is start to plan something to look forward to on each holiday. This is something I will be starting for the first time this holiday season. I’ll definitely let you know how it goes! For Christmas, I am planning on making a special breakfast for just me and Bassam.

9. Don’t feel guilty if you feel happy

“Just when the caterpillar thought life was over, she became a butterfly” ~Unknown

There have been a few times over the course of the past year that I actually felt true happiness. As soon as that happened, I exploded into tears because I just felt so guilty. This is one of the hardest for me, but do your best not to feel guilty if you feel happy. I always try to think how happy my mom would be to see me happy. I also try to think about it like she’s watching my television channel when she’s looking down on me. I want her to have happy and interesting “episodes” to watch!

I hope you have a great holiday season and these strategies are able to help make your holidays better. I would love to hear any strategies you use that have helped you.

xoxo, Lena