I’m sitting in front of my computer, as I have every morning for the past week, staring at the minimal text I’ve written and stressing out. I have 7 sponsored blog posts due in a two week span + all of our regular content I want to share. Not because all of a sudden we are rolling in sponsorships, but it’s the holiday season and with us being gone for three weeks, everything had to get pushed to when we got back. I don’t typically suffer from writer’s block {knock on wood}. As long as I have my post idea and a brief outline of the points I want to cover, I can usually bang out a blog post relatively painlessly. This week all of my posts have been painful to write. It doesn’t make any sense really. I’m passionate and excited about all of the topics I’m writing about. I had wonderful experiences with the brands we worked with and can’t wait to share them with our audience. So what gives?
In between getting a lot quality Instagram time in, Facebook scrolling, and reading other blogs, {In other words: procrastinating}, I I discovered a new blog that I fell in love with. I was lusting over the photography and blog design, wondering if I’ll ever be that good, when it hit me. The answer to all of my writer’s block and content creation problems was: self doubt. Nasty, ugly, mean girl: self doubt.
I’m no stranger to this feeling. It’s extremely scary to me to put myself out there and share my writing with the world. It actually took me years to even let anyone read anything I wrote. I used to write tons of stories and throw them all away so that no one would be able to read them. Fortunately I’ve gotten over that, since a blog cannot exist if I’m trashing everything I write, but it’s always there. That mean girl self doubt. Lingering in the background, ready to rear her ugly head if I even so much as glance in her direction. I’ve been good at not letting her in. I’ve subscribed to the concept of, “done is better than perfect” and I’ve been getting things done. It’s never perfect, it’s never the standard of what I want it to be, and I’m never fully happy with it. But it’s done and I’m moving forward- one step at a time.
Then we got the opportunity to work with a few brands I was really excited about and to create content that I was really excited about. I had this vision in my head of how I wanted the content to look: gorgeously styled, stunning photography, compelling copy. It looked so perfect and beautiful in my head. Here’s the thing. Our talents and skill level, while improving, is not quite up to par with that perfect vision in my head. And so I let mean girl self doubt bully me. I let her get into my head and tell me we weren’t good enough. I was awkward during our shoots. I was stressful and made the experience not fun. Self doubt’s comments swirled around in my head and made me doubt every word I wrote. So I didn’t write. I procrastinated. I stressed. And I made the whole process miserable, which really none of this should be since I love it all so much. To make it all even worse, I didn’t do the best work I am capable of because my head was so full of negativity that my friend creativity wasn’t able to come out and say hi.
Once I realized that the culprit to all of this was self-doubt, I felt a bit better. I come from a behavior analysis background. I love figuring out the barriers because then I can figure out a solution. So now knowing that my barrier is self-doubt, I’m on a mission to kick her out of my head and out of my life. I know it’s not realistic to expect that I will never feel self-doubt, but I am hoping that now that I am aware of the problem and am armed with some actionable strategies, I will be able to overcome self doubt when she makes an appearance. I hope some of these strategies will be helpful for you too!
8 Ways to Deal With Self Doubt and Live Your Dreams:
1. See it as a positive thing
I remember one time hearing on a podcast that never feeling like your work is good enough is actually a positive thing. It means that you have high standards and the potential to grow to those standards. If you feel like your work is perfect, then you don’t have bigger visions and something to live up to. So even if you can’t quite accomplish what you’re dreaming of, just having that vision means that you have good taste. Skills can always learned, but good taste is not as easy to learn. I’m trying to remind myself of this on days when I get frustrated with what I’m creating. That it’s actually a GOOD thing I’m feeling inadequate or that my results are not living up to my expectations. It means I have the potential to get there and if every single thing I create is just a teeny bit better than the last, eventually I will get to where I want to be.
2. Compare yourself to others
I know everyone always says don’t compare yourself to others and just focus on yourself, but I actually don’t agree with this. It’s near impossible not to compare yourself to others. No matter how much you avoid it, you will come across other people’s work and feelings of comparison will come up. Trying to ignore those feelings, or any feelings for that matter, is never productive. Instead of trying to ignore the feeling of comparison, I think it helps to compare the RIGHT things. For example, when I look at my favorite blogs my reaction tends to be, “my work doesn’t compare to theirs and will never compare to theirs” or “I’ll never be as successful as they are.” What I really should be comparing is: how long have they been at this, how hard do they work at this, what classes have they taken, what steps have they taken to get to where they are now. Those types of comparisons are so much more productive and help me to realize that it’s not fair to say that I’m not as good as them when in reality I haven’t been at this for as long or haven’t put in the same amount of effort. When I re-frame exactly what I’m comparing, it gives me inspiration and motivation to improve my own work. I can use that person as inspiration that it is possible to accomplish what I desire. I can also ask that person for tips and strategies that I can implement. I may even learn that they have had their own feelings of self-doubt or times that they thought they should quit. I’ve learned over the past year that every person I’ve admired and thought built their success overnight actually had their own battles with self-doubt and not feeling good enough. So see, comparison can sometimes be useful when you focus on the right comparisons!
3. Seek an unbiased opinion
We are all our own harshest critics. I know for myself, no matter what I create or what I do, I find flaws with it. It’s really helpful to have someone that you know will always give you honest constructive feedback and ask them what they think. If you know they are always honest with you, then when they tell you something is good, it’s easier to believe them.
4. Take a break
I know for myself that I do not create good work when I’m stressed out. The procrastinator in me thrives on getting close to a deadline and getting it done on time, but that’s not my best work. When I’m feeling stressed out, it’s harder for me to feel creative. I always just want to push through this feeling and keep going, but it doesn’t help. What does help is to take a minute or several hours and take a break from it. Go do something completely unrelated and then I usually come back to it fresh and re-energized.
This happened when we were in Colmar, France recently. I was so inspired by the cute village and had a certain image of what I wanted our photos to look like. Photography is a new thing for me and I have been working on improving my skills, but I just couldn’t get the shots I was envisioning. This made me so frustrated with myself and the more frustrated I got, the worse my photos came out. Bassam kept trying to convince me to put it aside and come back to it the next day, but I was insistent that I had to figure it out. Needless to say I was not very much fun to be around. I ended up being forced to take a break because the camera battery died and we had forgotten to bring another one with us. We spent the rest of the day just soaking in the experience and exploring without capturing. The next morning we went back to take the photos and they really did come out a bit better and were less effortful to shoot. Taking that short break helped to reset my constant stream of negativity in my head.
On a similar note, blogging is a very solitary job. I spend a lot of time home alone and sitting in front of a computer screen. While I love that because I am a very introverted person, I notice that when I spend too much time alone in this capacity I start to get a bit more self-doubty than usual. Even introverts need to connect with others in a real life capacity. Also, everyone needs fresh air and to get outside. I’ve noticed when I make time for human interaction and being outdoors, I am more refreshed than when I spend the whole day indoors and inside my head.
5. Give yourself grace
I am so harsh with myself. It seems I forget that I am new to all of this and it isn’t something I have a background in. I expect my work to be perfect all the time and get so angry with myself when I make any small mistake. I would never do that do a loved one, so why do I treat myself like this? If a loved one had developed what I have without any sort of experience, I would be so impressed by what they taught themselves. So why don’t I give myself that same grace? This is what I’m trying to do moving forward. For example, when I’m feeling so frustrated that I can’t figure out how to create some sort of design on the blog, instead of beating myself over it, I’m going to remember that when I first started I didn’t even know how to resize photos. Now that’s so basic to me. I’ve learned things that I never thought I would learn and I will learn more, but that’s not going to happen if I’m speaking so meanly to myself.
I’m also going to forgive myself when I make mistakes. I am a very forgiving person when it comes to others, but when I make a mistake it’s the biggest deal in the world. I’m going to think to myself, “how would I react if someone else made that mistake?” and proceed accordingly. Most likely it’s going to be to realize that it’s not the end of the world.
Finally, I’m going to allow myself grace with my schedule. I push Bassam all the time not to work too hard, to get enough sleep, to do things for himself. When it comes to me, if I don’t spend every free minute on the blog, I consider myself a failure. Yes, I have a mile long to do list. But I also have a full-time job. I also need to spend time taking care of myself. I look at what full time bloggers do and expect myself to do all the same things in the hours I spend working on the blog before and after work. That’s just not realistic and I need to cut myself some slack and recognize what I actually can do. Having a more realistic mind frame and giving myself grace is going to help not only in overcoming self-doubt, but also in being able to do this for the long haul and not burning out.
6. Develop a self-improvement plan
My biggest feelings of self doubt come from the things I’m not good at. I have no idea how to edit photos. I’m just starting to learn to take photos. I don’t have the best grasp on grammar. Rather than letting my deficits be a running stream of bullying in my head, what I can do is take steps to get better at these things. I’m practicing photography and taking as many photos as possible. I’m reading a few books on writing. I’m exploring in Lightroom and learning what the different controls do. My goal in 2018 is to take a Lightroom editing course. I also recently purchased a course on working with brands. Knowing that I have CONTROL over my weaknesses and can take steps to improve them is probably the number one thing that helps me deal with my self-doubt.
7. Set attainable short term goals
I’m not a patient person. The goals I set for myself are always these giant lofty goals. When I can’t accomplish them {because it’s not realistic}, I get so down on myself and the self-doubt starts. I expect every single thing I create to lead to giant outcomes. That doesn’t work and thanks to my background in behavior analysis, I KNOW that doesn’t work. Moving forward I’m going to treat my goal setting the way I do at work: small, attainable, short term, and measurable. Instead of setting a goal like, 100K page views per month, I’ll set a goal like 1K more pageviews than last month. Instead of expecting magazine quality photos for our next shoot, I will aim for the photos to be just slightly better than our last shoot. Instead of sitting down to write a post and telling myself it has to be the best post ever written on this topic ever, I will aim for covering each of the points on my outline. Having smaller and more attainable goals means I can actually meet them, leaving no room for self doubt.
8. Celebrate the successes
No matter what my self doubt would have me believe, there ARE successes! I need to acknowledge them and celebrate them. Even if it’s the smallest milestone, it deserves to be celebrated! I remember when I was first starting out I said I was going to celebrate our first 10K following on Instagram and our first sponsored post. We now have over 70K on Instagram and have had several sponsored posts, but I have not celebrated any of these accomplishments. Instead I tell myself they aren’t really accomplishments because {insert all kinds of self doubt here}. As a person who finds an excuse to celebrate everything, I find it so horrible that I can’t seem to celebrate my successes because I convince myself that they are no longer successes. Moving forward, I’m going to have a list of what I consider a milestone. Then when I meet it, I’m going to celebrate it! No excuses, no talking myself out of it, no telling myself that it’s not really a big deal. Just because there is still more to achieve doesn’t mean that what has been accomplished isn’t a big deal. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither can my dreams.
Take that you bully, self doubt! You are no longer welcome here.
Anke says
Thank you for writing this. It was for me like a talk with a very wise good friend. You write so honest, so interesting and a pleasure to read! I recognize so much, I switched from being a lawyer to being a singer/pianoplayer. My dream is to make a real theatreshow, with humour, stories, good music and visual effects. Yes, huge!! I wasn’t really aware of my self doubt, I just found it soo hard to work on creating the show, and it felt like I did not make any progression.. Now I am realizing so much more , and that is a huge step forward. And the solutions you describe are even more helpful. Thank you for this wonderful gift. All I can give in return is my gratefulness, and that you have a new fan/follower. I wish you millions of them! Anke from Holland
happilyeveradventures says
Hi Anke, thank you for your sweet and thoughtful comment! I’m so happy the post found you when you needed it and I’m so happy it resonated with you! I’ve had a similar post on Imposter Syndrome in my drafts forever and you’ve inspired me to finish it sooner. What an amazing, and brave, career switch you made! I’m so happy for you that you discovered your passion and went for it. Not everyone has the bravery to do that and I’m so inspired by you. I know it will be a wonderful success, because it already it, the success is that you are doing what you love. Wishing you all the best and hope to keep in touch with you!
Deidre says
My heart warms reading this. It’s really so helpful and relatable. I don’t have anything new to share but something to further support my agreeance with your points.
Most times my feelings of self doubt stem from perfectionism. This perfectionism can lead to anxiety and paralyze me, leaving me feeling stuck in rut. In these instances I remind myself that is important to stay in the flow of things. Like you’ve mentioned it always important to temper that you can get better and you get better by doing. When I’m taking actions to combat my self doubt I feel better.
Thanks for sharing! Sending my love xx
happilyeveradventures says
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Deidre! I completely agree with you, all change comes from action and that includes moving through feelings of self doubt. It’s all a flow with ups and downs and all we can do is move in whatever way feels best at that given moment
Rubi Kaur says
Pretty! This was an extremely wonderful post. Thanks for supplying this info
happilyeveradventures says
I’m SO happy you found this useful!