I haven’t done one of these “behind the photo” posts in a long time, but there’s been something on my mind lately that’s too long for an Instagram caption and didn’t quite fit into a blog post, so I thought this would be the perfect place for it.
Recently I’ve been asking everyone these 3 questions and the photos of me dancing in a vineyard in Provence reminded me of it:
1. Do you want to know when you’re going to die?
2. If you knew you only had 5 years left to live, what would you do?
3. Why aren’t you doing that now?
Ask your loved ones these questions. You’d be surprised what interesting things you might learn about each other. Bassam and I actually had a long conversation last night that led to so many other topics after addressing these questions. Here is a simplified version of our answers. Then I want to dive deeper into Question 3. I feel like the general refrain is that if you aren’t currently doing what you would be doing if you were going to die, then you’re not living life to the fullest. But I don’t know if I completely agree with that.
1.Do you want to know when you’re going to die?
B: No! It would cause me too much stress
L:Yes! I’m not a surprise person. I would LOVE to know and it would completely affect all the decisions I make
2. If you knew you only had 5 years left to live, what would you do?
B: I would do the things I’m scared of, like sky diving, bungee jumping
L: I would move to Provence
3. Why aren’t you doing that now?
B: I guess I don’t really feel like there’s a due date. I have time to do them later
L: Because I’m sacrificing it for something that I want more and that’s to have kids {and potentially one other thing I’m considering make happen which I’m not ready to share quite yet}
And this is why I don’t think it’s always as simple as you aren’t living your life to the fullest. In Bassam’s case, it might be. He should prioritize doing the things he wants to do and not put it off. But in my case, I’m choosing something different and I think that’s the case for a lot of people.
Technically I could move to Provence AND have kids, but that’s just not the lifestyle I want for them. {DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying this lifestyle is wrong or anyone who chooses this lifestyle is wrong. It’s just not what I want. If you’re reading this and you don’t agree, that’s okay! We can want different things!} I want them to grow up with lots of family around, which is exactly the reason why we moved to the suburb we live in now. I would want to make sure we both Bassam and I have stable jobs so that we can provide well for them. I would want them to grow up in the country they will be living long term and that’s probably not France.
There’s a lot of reasons why moving to Provence and having kids just doesn’t mix for me. That being said, if I knew I only had 5 years left to live, I wouldn’t have kids. I wouldn’t want them to have a mom for only that short of time. Instead, I would move to Provence and live my final years enjoying my favorite region in the world and living out my lifelong fantasy of having lived in another country. {I would have done this after college, but I didn’t want to leave my mom at that time. Another choice/decision/sacrifice/whatever you want to call it that I’m happy with}
While I can’t say for sure because this is all hypothetical and I’m not ACTUALLY in this situation, I do think I would be happy with either option. I’ve felt this multiple times in my life when my path has diverged into two roads and I needed to choose one. I could be happy either way. They would be different forms of happiness, but either one would provide happiness and satisfaction.
I’ve always been a person who has wanted lots of things in life. I’ve always had several goals, several dreams, and all kinds of ideas running through my head at any given time. This has caused frustration for me throughout my life as I’ve tried to tackle all of the things at once. I’m a big advocate of not putting things off. Doing them now and not waiting until some future unknown that may never come. I’ve always had this mentality, but after my mom was diagnosed with ALS I became even more keenly aware of not waiting for the future. As much as my mom lived her life with a sense of joy and optimism, there were still so many things she never got to do in her life because she was waiting for the right time. Unfortunately, that time never came.
It has always haunted me that she had to give up on certain dreams because her life was cut short, but I’m now realizing that maybe it’s not as terrible as I thought. She gave up on certain dreams in favor of other dreams and that was being the kind of mom she wanted to be. I see myself doing that now. Giving up on several dreams in favor of being a mom. Maybe I’ll have regrets in the future, but right now I don’t. Right now I’m realizing that you can have it all in life, but you can’t have it all at the same time. You have to choose what you want for each season of life and sometimes that means you need to make sacrifices for the things you really want, even if it means sacrificing other things you want. You just have to choose the ones you want more. Even if you were to make your fantasy life come true, there would still be SOMETHING you are sacrificing. That’s just how life works. As for me, I’m not willing to sacrifice my dream of the kind of childhood I want for my kids so that I can live my dream of living in France. I could say that in reverse too. I’m not willing to live my dream of living in France but sacrifice my dream of the kind of childhood I want for my kids.
Every single thing we choose to do in life comes with some form of sacrifice. Every single thing we choose to do also means that there has to be something that we choose not to do. Every single thing we say yes to means we’re also saying no to something else. I’ve become so keenly aware of this recently as I’ve started to realize how limited my time is. I routinely need to turn things down so I can say yes to the things that are more important to me.
If I had 5 years left to live, my priorities would change. What I’m willing to sacrifice would be different. It doesn’t mean I’m not living my life to the fullest right now. It just means that I’m planning for the future and hopefully, a long life. As boring as that sounds, I don’t think it’s a negative thing. I’m enjoying the journey and at the of the day, I think that’s the most important thing. If I can live my life having loved every day of it, whether I have 5 more years or 70 more years, whether my life was spent building my future or living out my fantasy, I will have considered my life well lived. And if I can move to France at some point in my life, well, that would be the cherry on top of my already delicious cake, but I’m also okay if my cake doesn’t have cherries.
I’d really love to know what you think about this subject and chat with you more about it in the comments! I’m really looking forward to hopefully connecting with you more in this way. Not going to lie, I love these rambley, talk about whatever is on my mind posts. I always wish I started blogging back when it was more like daily updates and personal posts mixed in with guide type posts. I don’t do a lot of the purely personal posts because I’d rather bring you content that’s helpful in some way, but I may go back to doing more of these Behind the Photo posts.
Toni says
First, yes please do personal posts from time to time. You have a great voice. Share it with the world.
Second, I don’t know if I’m “morbid” or not, but I’ve always been keenly aware of my mortality and have always been prepared for my loved ones deaths. Not that preparation ever really prepares you for reality, but I at least am cognizant of that future possibility.
So, with that thinking, I’ve always been a “live for this moment” gal. When we got married, I knew my end game was a family, but I wanted wanted to travel. How did we accomplish this? He enlisted in the Air Force two weeks after we got married. As a result, our fifteen year old has lived all over the world and traveled thousands of miles on his lifetime. His perspective reflects this journey. 😍
I sacrificed so much to finally arrive in this place where we are now literally living on Fantasy Island. Those seasons we weren’t living out our fantasy we didn’t lose out on anything. I was home with my babies watching them grow, while my husband protected us all from somewhere very far away. Because we made those choices back then, this season of our life is just so much sweeter!
I love this perspective. You can’t have it all is the truth. Thank you for a great article!
happilyeveradventures says
Aw, Thank you, Toni! I’m so glad you liked it! I am just like you, I’ve always been keenly aware of my mortality and those around me. I think it comes from a desire to be prepared, even though you can’t ever be fully prepared, but it helps me to have less anxiety.
I LOVED hearing about your story in how you built your dream life and as you said you needed to make sacrifices but you were still able to enjoy the journey along the way. That’s absolutely amazing and SO inspiring! Thank you so much for sharing!